My dear readers, today, I will embark on a journey of unspeakable horrors. It is a game so bad, I had to don a hazmat suit before I dare to touch it. I do this all for you — the 2 or 3 people who actually know about this place — and play Super Turrican, by Factor 5. The mere mention of this name should give you visions of unspeakable terror. Who knows what evil lurks within a game by Factor 5? Before you read this review, I suggest you also prepare to sanitize yourself as well. I mean, after seeing Lair on the PS3, who knows what this abomination is capable of? Super Turrican could very well be the last game you’ll ever play.
My mission starts off at the ancient ruins of a once mighty alien civilization. The alien planet is a gorgeous yet treacherous land. I marvel at each background’s vivid colors and parallax scrolls while many sprites walk around without slow down. I wish I could spend more time admiring the scenery, but I had to run through the world like a walrus with a lit stick of dynamite up his butt. For once that burning fuse known as time limit runs out — kablooey! To further hinder my mission, enemies everywhere yearn for my loving craft of pulverization — and pulverize I will with one of the three available guns. Worst of all, questions constantly race through my mind as I stood before various paths laid before me. Should I explore this path; will it delay me from reaching the exit; and how much time do I have left? All these questions zipped through my head while precious seconds passed by. Suddenly, my mighty flesh rending beam of fun passes through the walls like a graphical glitch by an amateur programmer. If weren’t for my keen wits and eagle eyes, you could have gotten away with your ugly mistake, Factor 5! In a moment of defiance to further mock the incompetence of the programmers, I fired my beam through their ugly mistake to show off my superior intellect! Then it turns out I was shooting at an illusionary wall designed to cover the secret entrance. Once again, thanks to my finely tuned gaming skills and cunning, I reap the reward of gems and 1ups in the secret room. The sections without much exploration required more good old fashioned platforming skills, and fast reflexes. Though the game could use a few more bosses here and there.
The controls are ace, though the electric stun beam is a bit awkward to aim. It rotates at a full 360 degrees, and will continue to rotate as you hold either the left or right button. I found the stun beam useless anyway, so it’s no big deal. Multi-directional aiming for normal weapons would be nice for a game with enemies coming in many directions. Although this isn’t exactly a control related issue, the camera’s movement is slightly delayed whenever you move, and it could lead to some annoying problems when quick left and right jumping’s required.
I could careless about the plot, but there is a plot in there somewhere. I think it’s something about Galactus having sex with The Shredder and giving birth to some weird hybrid that took over an alien world. The Master Chief cruises through the galaxy in his pimp-mobile picks up the alien distress signal, and decided it was time to kick ass and chew bubble. I don’t know, I spent more time reading the end credits to see who else was in Factor 5 back then, than spend time reading whatever plot that was there.
The release of Lair on the PS3 was a huge disappointment for Factor 5 fans. The game was panned by critics everywhere due to the controls and disappointing gameplay. What’s worse, the game also raped your mom, spread AIDS across the globe, punched kittens, and rendered all their previous efforts to crap — Super Turrican is no exception. With a huge hole torn through the space time continuum caused by the suckage of Lair, Super Turrican must pay the price of fanboy logic. This game would have been amazing if it was released in 1993 without the heinous sin known as Lair created in 2007!
Graphics: 85%
Pros: Colorful sprites, no slow down, and lots of effects.
Cons: Some areas could use more inspired art. The last stage screams Alien ripoff. Gameplay: 76%
Pros: Intense combat and Metroid like exploration. The levels still have a single linear exit, but you’re rewarded for your exploration with powers ups.
Cons: The roll up ball feature is kind of useless, and so are the bombs you drop in ball form. The game is over too quickly. Not enough cool boss fights.
Sounds: 80%
Pros: Each level is split up into a few sections, and almost every section has it’s own music. Very good stereo effects too.
Cons: Doesn’t fit the game very well.
Controls: 83%
Pros: Virtually everything is solid.
Cons: Still not 100% perfect, but my main gripe is the stun beam aiming. It’s just a pain.
Story: 100%
Pros: There’s a story.
Cons: And nobody gives a damn.
Recommendation: People who enjoy a mix of Contra and Metroid. Not recommended for people who believe Lair sucked so bad, that all their previous efforts should also be hated.
Overall: 79%
