Super Robot Whores OG Saga

It is without a doubt the most trying time for us gamers. The recent fallout between Tecmo and game designer Tomonobu Itagaki could spell disaster for our breast loving brothers and sisters. Well, mostly brothers, but I guess we might have some sisters too. Whatever floats your boat, man. Uh, anyway, gamers everywhere cried out for a savior. Who would help maintain the losers/otaku stigma for gamers if Tecmo were to collapse from this unfortunate disaster? Fear not, for salvation will come in the form of Bandai Namco! Their first offering is Soul Calibur 4’s mammoth jumblies of destruction — guaranteed shame for $59.99. Unlike Tecmo, Namco’s willing to spread the love to us DS owners with Mugen No Frontier: Super Robot Whores OG Saga. Bless you Namco, bless you. Of course this game probably has no chance in hell of coming out in the US, but that’s why I’m here… to taunt you.

I can’t say I actually enjoy looking at them from this angle.

Let me start off by saying that this game is an RPG. If you’re familiar with the Robot Wars games, this is nothing like it. I was treated to some quick back story about Cowboy Astronaut Millionaire Haken’s quest to help grocery stores reduce milk prices. His first stop was to seek out the fabled Milk Cow Princess. I started the game in some dingy abandoned lab to find her. A bit of exploration reveals some interesting mechanics to liven up the game. The dungeons themselves offer a few obstacles to stump you. You can smash boulders, climb walls, or push and pull statues. They’re not exactly mindbenders like Golden Sun or Zelda, but it does spice up the otherwise boring dungeon design. You can explore the lab, open chests, equip weapons and armor, and fiddle with the computers to find your way around. You know, all the basic RPG gameplay. Also to my dismay, this game employs random battles. I hate random battles. At least they weren’t too frequent in this game. I don’t know if it’ll get worse as the game progresses, though. Ironically, I also had a hell of a time leveling up due to the huge amount of exp. required, and sparse enemy encounters. This is why random battles suck. They get in your way when you don’t want to deal with them, and are never there when you need it! At least you get a nice little bonus for pulling off powerful moves in combat.

Speaking of combat, we come to the most interesting part of the game. I don’t get everything, but I was able to figure out enough to have some fun. You press “A” to start the attack, and watch a lengthy animation play out. Your attack ends once you’re out of COM, or don’t chain the moves. Even though the animation is long, you actually do have to keep your eye out for the little exclamation mark; it appears to notify button taps to continue the combo, or perform different moves when pressed. With every press, your COM meter depletes, so even if you’re timing is dead on, you can’t fight forever. I was also able to change the combo by pressing “A” at certain points not indicated by the game. Once your COM runs out, your character’s turn is over, and the next character attacks. I was able to call out my next character to continue the chain by accident. I later figured out that pressing “left” and “A” can call forth the next character in your party. This will greatly increase the combo and build the frontier gauge. Once that’s at 100%, I was able to unleash mammary fury. Oh yeah, that and you also get a powerful attack to boot. The over the top animation and jiggling boobs had me wondering why Aschen had — huge — breasts in the first place. She’s a freaking robot! Did Anakin look at C3-PO and think: My robot won’t be complete without a giant penis hanging out of his crotch! Maybe Aschen’s one of them futuristic blowup dolls or something.

I couldn’t figure out how to use skills and magic in battle, but outside of using some healing magic (or whatever it’s suppose to be in this game), I couldn’t figure out what I’m suppose to do with the skills. I seem to have adjusted the order of the moves or something. No sense in worrying about it since I was able to topple bosses with what I’ve already learned. I do have one bit of extra advice for those intending on playing this game with no Japanese knowledge: exit the lab. You can go back to the over world, and board Haken’s spaceship to heal your wounds.

Did I enjoy my brief hands-on with the game? Yes. Would I be upset if this game never makes it outside of Japan? Let’s just say I don’t think a story about a guy traveling around with his blowup doll would sit well with American audiences. Now that Bandai Namco’s got the DS covered, how about some over sized breast love for the Wii? They can always change the planes in Sky Crawlers to giant flying boobs.

Cut the Otomodius crap and give me back my Parodius.

Oh yeah, and I’m still debating whether to call it Super Robot Whores or Super Robot Wardrobe Malfunction. Terranigma Freak seems to think Wardrobe Malfunction is more fitting, but I think Whores is a little shorter to type.

Eat your heart out, Janet Jackson.

Cow Cow