Castlevania: Order Of Ecclasia Review

Man, what can I say about Castlevania: Order of Ecclasia? It was one of the toughest demons I’ve ever exorcised from a DS. Well, partly because I’m not an exorcists. I was just a homeless hippy sleeping in the bathroom of a church. Since no one else dared to tackle this beast, they came to me. They also promised me lots of food, women, and cloths if I got the job done. This is one job I’ll never forget. I remember it just like it was yesterday. Actually, it was yesterday.

As I came into contact with the possessed DS, I was horrified to see moving pictures and sound coming out of it. I wasted no time and took out a hammer and started smashing this possessed device; then I processed to drown it in holy water (I dunked it into the toilet). Finally, I noticed this little crucifix on the left side of the DS. I touched it and shouted: “The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!” Right away, an ugly girlie monkey started to move! This is what happens when you have a really crappy instruction manual. I could’ve avoided all that had I known about touching the little crucifix on the DS. The voice in my head said I must team up with this monkey to perform the exorcism ritual to rid the DS of Dracula. So I named her Shanoa. I don’t know, it just sounds very fitting name for a hairy ugly monkey.

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be

I quickly learned how to control Shanoa with an array of attacks, jumps, and slides. Sometimes I really hate her, because she doesn’t like duck/jump combos. There’s a small delay coming out of the duck position. I sometimes ended up sliding when I wanted to jump after ducking. This causes some minor problems in an already difficult task. But I really love her super springy magnet jump. It was lots of fun messing around with it. It’s a shame the demons weren’t smart enough to create more obstacles around this cool power.

Wait, Shanoa, has more tricks up her sleeves! She has this totally new ability to suck Glyphs from enemies; which is totally not the Soul System with a different name! She can’t fight without Glyphs, so instead of weapons, you equip Glyphs on her. Different enemies are weak to different Glyph attributes, so you have to constantly switch, or take forever on a basic enemy. Good thing you can equip different sets and switch them on the fly. It’s very convenient, and makes most of your Glyphs useful. You can find new Glyphs in hidden rooms, after boss fights, or occasionally dropped by defeated enemies; which is totally not like the Soul System; or making me pull my hair out in frustration over rare ones. She could even combined two of the same or different Glyphs for a super attack. In no time, we were kicking arse for the lord.

Will I be pretty, will I be rich
She said make Death my bitch

I’ve heard of this demon’s extreme difficulty had scared away many fellow exorcists. Being the fool hardy fellow that I am, I took on this job and tried to succeed where others have failed. It was brutal, until I discovered a secret — a secret so shocking, it would cause the universe to implode. Please don’t tell others my secret, or else I’d be out of a job.

I figured out you can dodge enemy attacks instead of standing still like a vegetable. Dodging enemy attacks means you take no damage! Who knew? Why, if someone had created interactive games that can be played on a magic picture box, they should disable dodging, or else their games would be too easy. Just look at how easy it is to exorcised big nasty demons with dodging. Dare I say, I had fun molesting these helpless giants.

Que Sera, Sera
Whatever will be, will be
You just don’t have skills like me
Que Sera, Sera
Whatever will be, will be

I’d say it took me about 12 hours to exorcise all the demons and Dracula. I would have taken more time, but I couldn’t figure out how to get lost. It’s like someone decided to make a map explaining how to walk in a straight line. Even though you’ll be going up, down, left and right; rarely do you deviate from your path. What little branching paths lead to small areas with little reason to return. Well, you could come back again with a boy monkey.

What’s this about a boy monkey you ask? It’s a long story. There’s this place in New Jersey called Castlevania and they’re always being haunted by Dracula. This Belmonts family runs a business hunting Dracula for generations. After their last son, Juste, killed Dracula, he got a lot of money and had a doctor cut off his weewee. Now the Belmont family is gone. So this new group call Ecclasia comes to pick up the slack, and they created this thing called Dominus. Dominus needs a human host to unleash its power, and the boy monkey really wants that power, and he steals it. Shanoa is sent to retrieve Dominus, and find out what he is up to. Along the way, she learns moves from Geese Howard, dodge monkey boy’s Fei Long kick, and find out Dracula has learn Rugal’s Genocide Cutter. I think they really want to fight in a tournament fighter — I mean engage in some 3D Versus Action to settle the score.

Before they play a real tough game
People all ask me, what will they be

Even though my soul is outside the DS, I can see and hear everything that goes on with Shanoa, and I didn’t have to eat mushrooms! I like all the freaky monsters; especially the big ones. The backgrounds are pretty, and they make music that I end up forgetting. Sometimes, Shanoa would even talk to me. It was scary when the monsters started talking to me too. They said my mother sucks Glyphs in hell. But you know what’s really freaky? Everybody in this possessed box can speak weeaboo. I was surrounded by a herd of weeaboos once. They were going to kill me because I pronounced Kage as Cage, but I escaped with minor injuries. Now with the press of a button, I can drive back weeaboos using their own language. Back, you filthy creatures, back!

It was a very rewarding job, and I hope to keep it that way. I learned a lot from this experience as an exorcist. Who knew you’re suppose to crack a crab’s shell with an elevator!? So that’s what I’ve been doing wrong at Red Lobster. I think I’m going to go steal some crabs and drop an elevator on them right now. See ya around.

Will I be casual, will I be core
I said a graphic whore

Graphics: 86%
Pros: Good graphics and nice artwork. Lots of brand new sprites. Shanoa’s promotional art looks good…
Cons: Some minor slowdown and unconvincing parallax scrolls. Ugly women. I’m sorry, but a huge rack =/= attractive.

Gameplay: 75%
Pros: Most Glyphs are useful. Fun boss battles. Some unlockables add replay value. Training hall has the best level design…
Cons: …I wish I could say the same for the rest of the levels. That and grinding for some Glyphs hurt the score. You need to complete silly missions to access some very basic items.

Sound: 80%
Pros: Very good soundtrack with tons of voice work. You can even select the Japanese voices. Everyone’s happy.
Cons: The music sounds really good, but for some reason, I just didn’t find them memorable.

Controls: 90%
Pros: Almost everything works.
Cons: Keyword: almost.

Story: 80%
Pros: Probably the best plot in a Metroidvania yet. The plot twist really did surprise me. The villagers are pretty funny.
Cons: Who plays these games for plot?

Recommendation: A must play for Castlevania fans. I just want to add that this game is nowhere near as hard as some have claimed. This is coming from someone who couldn’t beat Castlevania 1-4 without skipping with passwords. I only beat Rondo on the Turbo Duo fair an square. I consider my gaming skills as average at best. I wouldn’t recommend it to people who can’t dodge to save their life, or never enjoyed this series in the first place.

Overall: 79% Delicious

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