Chrono Trigger DS

I leave you my last words before I am killed by hordes of Chrono Trigger fanboys.

HELP ME!

They’re after me; the Chrono Trigger fanboys. They’re going to kill me, tear me limb from limb, break every bone in my body, and tar and feather me. B-before I die, I would like to deliver you this review. I know t-this is suppose to be a review, b-but you’re not suppose to point out any f-flaws in Chrono Trigger other than sing its praise. But I… *glup* have criticism of… *looks around* Chrono Trigger, and I will do whatever it takes to deliver you this message.

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Castlevania: Order Of Ecclasia Review

Man, what can I say about Castlevania: Order of Ecclasia? It was one of the toughest demons I’ve ever exorcised from a DS. Well, partly because I’m not an exorcists. I was just a homeless hippy sleeping in the bathroom of a church. Since no one else dared to tackle this beast, they came to me. They also promised me lots of food, women, and cloths if I got the job done. This is one job I’ll never forget. I remember it just like it was yesterday. Actually, it was yesterday.

As I came into contact with the possessed DS, I was horrified to see moving pictures and sound coming out of it. I wasted no time and took out a hammer and started smashing this possessed device; then I processed to drown it in holy water (I dunked it into the toilet). Finally, I noticed this little crucifix on the left side of the DS. I touched it and shouted: “The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!” Right away, an ugly girlie monkey started to move! This is what happens when you have a really crappy instruction manual. I could’ve avoided all that had I known about touching the little crucifix on the DS. The voice in my head said I must team up with this monkey to perform the exorcism ritual to rid the DS of Dracula. So I named her Shanoa. I don’t know, it just sounds very fitting name for a hairy ugly monkey.

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Kirby Super Star Ultra Review

Kirby’s back, and he’s angry! Who wouldn’t be after getting crapped on by Crapcom’s Amazing Mirror and Squeak Squad. Join Kirby in his angriest adventure yet in Kirby’s Super Star Ultra — a remake of Kirby Super Star on the SNES. This isn’t a brand new game, but it does offer many surprises for veteran players. The chance of the original appearing on virtual console is slim, but if I’m wrong, this review will provide sufficient information for both versions.

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Space Invaders Extreme Review

Space Invaders Extreme just came out of nowhere for me. I guess I forgot it was the 30th anniversary for this game — a game so popular that it caused a national coin shortage in Japan! What is it about flying pooping alien crabs that just draws you back for more? Today, I proudly bring you a review of this classic remake or sequel or whatever. Seriously, what’s wrong with calling this Space Invaders 2? It has enough to stand out of the shadow of the original classic.

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Book Of Ys I&II Review

After a bit of a break, I’m back with more reviews. I took care of a couple of articles, and got some ideas for new ones already. Hopefully, they will be just as enjoyable as the first one. Now then, onto Ys Book I&II review.

Ah, the Turbo Duo, the cherished memories of days gone by. It’s not because I actually owned one as a kid, mind you, it’s because of all the hype. Back then, the system uses CDs! In the mind of an elementary school kid, CDs equals awesome! CDs made games so much more awesome! I had no idea what the hell a CD was. Well, I know the game’s in a CD, but other than that, I really didn’t know what it meant to be stored in a CD. Dammit, everybody knows CDs are cool. I remember seeing the screen shots and seeing how awesome the games look. Well today, I’m going to jump the gun and review a virtual console game that’s not yet been released. Today I will review Book of Ys I&II. I’m doing this for a couple of reasons. 1) I want to jump the gun and have a review before other people. 2) I don’t have enough reviews for other consoles. This is something I intend to rectify. 3) This game holds a special place in my heart, and is also something a little different from all the other reviews on HandheldWii, thus far. 4) Because I felt like it.

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Legend of Kage 2 Review

The moon is recovering from what is best described as the most bizarre accident to occur in the last 100 billion years. A man had jumped so high, he rammed his head into the moon’s ass. Rescuers quickly arrived at the National Ninja Preserve to aid the hapless victims. After hours of painstaking hard work by a team of surgeons, they were finally able to remove a man from the moon’s rectum. Both recovered quickly, and was released from the hospital earlier today. I had a chance to talk with the man involved in this little accident for the full details. Due to my bountiful lack of Japanesian literacy, I had help from translator Sakamoto No Ripetomato.

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VC Review: Spelunker

Spelunker is one of the hardest games I’ve ever reviewed — and I mean gameplay wise and score wise. The game has elements of a good game, and yet it’s plagued with design choices that’ll make you scream in frustration. While some games have aged gracefully, Spelunker feels more like could have been something special.

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Virtual Console – Super R-Type Review

Super R-Type for the Super Nintendo was super. Keyword here is “was.” Of course, back then, every game had “Super” in the title. While I know there was an arcade port of R-Type, I don’t recall whether Super R-Type is actually a port, or a new game. Well, no matter, that’s not the focus of this review anyway.

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Nanostray 2 Review

Yeah, oooooo, ahhhh, that’s how it always starts. Then later come the running and screaming. I was dazzled by the visuals trickery, then I ran away screaming at the carnivorous man-eating gameplay of Iridion 3D and Nanostray. Luckily, Shin’en always delivers a sequel that more than makes up for its predecessor. Now why the hell couldn’t they get it right on the first try is beyond me, but I guess it’s better than suffering a lousy sequel to an already lousy game. Nanostray 2 is no exception, as this game shows that all it takes for Shin’en to make a good game is swift kick to the tailbone by critics and fans. Hold on to your seats folks, and get ready for some fantabulous old-school alien barbeque.

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Virtual Console – Super Turrican Review

My dear readers, today, I will embark on a journey of unspeakable horrors. It is a game so bad, I had to don a hazmat suit before I dare to touch it. I do this all for you — the 2 or 3 people who actually know about this place — and play Super Turrican, by Factor 5. The mere mention of this name should give you visions of unspeakable terror. Who knows what evil lurks within a game by Factor 5? Before you read this review, I suggest you also prepare to sanitize yourself as well. I mean, after seeing Lair on the PS3, who knows what this abomination is capable of? Super Turrican could very well be the last game you’ll ever play.

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