The moon is recovering from what is best described as the most bizarre accident to occur in the last 100 billion years. A man had jumped so high, he rammed his head into the moon’s ass. Rescuers quickly arrived at the National Ninja Preserve to aid the hapless victims. After hours of painstaking hard work by a team of surgeons, they were finally able to remove a man from the moon’s rectum. Both recovered quickly, and was released from the hospital earlier today. I had a chance to talk with the man involved in this little accident for the full details. Due to my bountiful lack of Japanesian literacy, I had help from translator Sakamoto No Ripetomato.
As it turns out, the man who was involved in this bizarre accident was none other than Kage — the semi-close-to-being-almost-kinda-famous-but-not-really game icon. With him was his neighbor, Chihiro, who was responsible for the 911 call to police. I started by asking them what they were doing at the National Ninja Preserve (NNP) that day. “We were there to hunt,” said Kage. “For generations, my family made a living hunting ninjas. We hunted ninjas for their meat, sold tools and crafts made from ninja bones, and we stuff our coats with ninja pubes to keep warm in the winter.”
For those unaware, the NNP opens its doors each year to licensed hunters like Kage. The mating season has come and past, and an over abundance of ninjas could stretch the preserve’s food supply. Hunters kill to keep the small park from over crowding, and pay to keep this place running. With all the different types of ninjas, various habitats were created to suit their lifestyles — from beautiful fields to thick forests; dark caverns to huge buildings. The lush colors are a sight to behold, and yet it is still not as impressive as some of the other more well funded wildlife preserves — like the big bouncing schoolgirl bosom preserve in Japan, for example. Even yours truly had spent a bit of his childhood visiting NNF. Seeing the trees today really brought back old memories of this place, but I digress.
Turning my attention, I had hoped to get some information from Chihiro, but unfortunately, she didn’t witness the whole ordeal. She was a fellow hunter, and just happened to be going the same way as Kage. “I’m here for a new coat,” she said while waving her scythe. “I can use my chain whip to smack the ninjas, just like that guy from… what’s it called? You know, haunted castle, a lotta skeletons, and he fights Batman? Anyway, I was listening to some phat beats on my ipod. I was too caught up with the music. Just when I was grooving’ to a familiar remix, I heard a loud thwack. When I looked up, I saw Kage hanging out of the moon’s ass like a turd.”
One can’t possibly imagine why a man would be so careless, much less an experience hunter like Kage. Was there more to it than that? Could it be more than just a simple hunting trip gone wrong? As it turns out, yes, there’s more to it. According to Kage, he was going high and low searching for orbs. The preserve had some other dangerous creatures lurking within, and locating these orbs will allow him to fight back, hit harder, or just offer more protection. The proper combination of orbs could mean life and death in some cases. He had to scale cliffs and slide under crevices to locate them. Some of them could be found within the elusive orange ninja of goodies.
“I guess I was just too caught up,” he says. “I wasn’t pay attention to where I was going; I had too much fun jumping so high. As I went on, my jumps grew stronger and stronger. They were getting kind of hard to control, but I guess I just ignored the warnings. I was overconfident cause I was learning new moves, too. But I had to hurry or I won’t save the princess in time.”
It turns out Kage had an ulterior motive. He was in a hurry to save a damsel in distress who had been taken into the park. In his heroic efforts to save her, he leaped high and low to search for her, unaware of his own safety. “He just wanna get laid,” Chihiro added. “I know him. He’s pissed at that Hayabusa guy cause he’s always hanging with some slut. I said that Amakusa Shiro wannabe was trouble, but noooo, you didn’t care. Gotta watch Naruto he says. Now some chick gets kidnapped, and you rush out like a freaking idiot. Serves you right!”
So through it all, Kage wasn’t just thinking of himself, but was concern with the safety of others. A true hero. Later, we went to the cops about the kidnapping, and quickly apprehended Amakusa Shiro wannabe, and foiled his attempt to start the next Samurai Shodown. I was unable to get the moon himself to comment on all this, but I was able to get a word from his proctologist, Dr. Cosmo Kramer. Dr. Kramer had this to say: “The moon was very shaken up, I can tell. He was in a lot of pain when he arrived. The first thing he said to me was ‘it was one in a million doc, it was one in a million!’”
Graphics: 70%
Pros: Lush colors, good art, and actually reminds me of a Neo Geo game for some reason.
Cons: It’s not exactly state of the art graphics.
Gameplay: 72%
Pros: A simple action packed game with lots of moves to learn, things to find, and bosses to fight. Multiple difficulty levels offer challenges to players of all skills. The orbs adds more to the game.
Cons: The level designs aren’t that good. Chihiro’s game is the same thing. Not much variety in enemies. Not a lot of depth.
Sound: 83%
Pros: Surprisingly good and action packed music. Some remixes for fans of the first game.
Cons: If you don’t enjoy ancient Japanese style music, then you won’t like it.
Controls: 80%
Pros: Most of it controls very well. You can perform a lot of moves with simple button combinations.
Cons: It’s a bit hard to control how high you can jump as you get stronger.
Story: 61%
Pros: I’d tell you…
Cons: …but then I’d have to kill you.
Recommendation: Fans of old school 2D side scrollers. Even Castlevania fans might want to take a look. Since I have no clue whether this game is coming to America or not, it’s hard to recommend an import. It is very easy to pick up and play, but it’s not exactly a 60 hour RPG either. You might not feel you’re getting enough bang for a buck. That and you have a prejudice against ninjas.
Overall: 71%
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